I'm not living up to my name

and that's okay.............for now.

Although my name "Chipper" was always meant to be sarcastic, sometimes I actually try and succeed at being upbeat and happy. Lately life has been beating me down. It has been really hard to just appear sane, let alone happy. It feels like life is passing me by and my feet are stuck in cement. I can see the things I need to change but I can't get my feet out to make it happen.

I have struggled with post-traumatic stress in the past. This is similar but I can't pinpoint what started this or what will help get me out. I just know I am losing time. I hear the clock tick, I blink, the day is over and no progress was made. I guess if I knew what progress I was looking for that would be a little easier. My kids deserve better than this half-ass version of a mother. I am here, but my thoughts are always somewhere else.

I feel so alone, even knowing that many other people are dealing with these same situations, there is no one to turn to. I have always been a private person. Many people have thought I was a snob or rude when in fact I am often terrified to speak. When I do speak, my words come out all wrong. There are a few people that I am comfortable enough with, but how do you say what you feel in 5 minute conversations that are all too common these days.

I long for someone to tell me I don't have to be perfect. Someone to say, I understand, I am here just because you need me. Talk as long as you need to. Someone who means it. Someone.